Grandpa Gets Audited

We love a good “grandpa” story around here. Who doesn’t? They almost always combine the wisdom of age with the audaciousness of childhood. Those two facets pretty much sum up most grandpas in general, don’t they? Childlike whimsy and endless experience. It’s enough to make you not worry about getting old. In fact, it seems kind of great!

Well, this next story is a sure winner in the “grandpa story olympics.” We can’t make any claims as to whether or not it happened. We’re not even sure who first told it. The joke in its entirety dates back to at least the 1960s and we were able to find at least a fragment of it going back to the Klondike Gold Rush in the late 1800s. It can be found everywhere from America to England to India to Australia. Talk about a joke with legs! The best part is, it’s only a dirty joke for whoever has to clean up at the end. ;)

Without further ado, the joke in its present form.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."


"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.


Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

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