We were all children once and we have some very fond memories of the toys that we played with. We think that's probably because none of the toys that we had were on our list, today.
These 26 toys are simply the grossest misjudgments by toy companies in history. You'll look at these and wonder if there was anyone awake in the design meetings when these ideas were being discussed.
We definitely have our pick for worst on the list, but either way, you're not going to be in a rush to buy any of these toys for your own kids.
1. A Lost Age Of Innocence
There may once have been an innocent time when this would have been OK. Today is definitely not that time. "Horsie" could get you sent straight to jail.
2. Different Values?
This is a real children's toy from Japan. We promise we're not making this up. We have to assume that this makes sense in a cultural perspective because otherwise, it's the most messed up toy in history.
3. The Wrong Associations
There are things that need to take place at the right time in our lives, and pregnancy is definitely one of those things. This toy gets that wrong not once, but twice.
4. Star Wars Fail
Here we have Jar Jar Binks. Yes, his tongue is a lollipop. To eat it, you need to kiss Jar Jar. Like anyone needed another reason to pick him as their least favorite Star Wars character of all time.
5. A Little Too Violent
We're all good with unicorns, just not unicorns which stab people through the heart. That seems a bit extreme for a kid's toy.
6. Ken "The Hobo Edition"
When kids want dolls, they normally opt for Barbie or G.I. Joe, but somebody out there obviously thought that the market needed a "vagrant" option.
7. Blasphemy Bot
There's nothing wrong with a little robot as a toy. Unless you decide to call that robot "God Jesus," then it gets your family excommunicated.
8. Ghost Girl
We're lost for words on this one. A baby's head on what appears to be a deformed octopus body? How did that seem like a good idea for a child's toy?
9. We Promise We'll Be Good
This is "Little Miss No Name," and rather than a toy, she feels more like demonic possession incarnate. We took a vote and if this was our toy, we'd move without telling it first.
10. Meet Mr. Buttons
You'll never forget the day that you met Mr. Buttons. That's because he's the embodiment of all that is wrong with this world.
11. Please Take It Away
While other toys on this list are borderline obscene, this one's just straight up creepy. You might give this money because you felt you had to, but you'd be too scared to take it back.
12. We're Not Laughing
Facts of Today
Your buy this for your child. You child takes this to show and tell. Social services pay you a visit. There's no other possible outcome, is there?
13. You'd Have To Be Crazy Not To Want This
Facts of Today
"Lovely strait jacket." Because that's all you ever wanted for your children, for them to aspire to be restrained like a terror suspect in Guantanamo Bay.
14. We Can't Even...
How did this get executive approval? Has there ever been any indication that children would desire plushies of human waste? We think not. Market research is apparently not a thing in the toy industry.
15. No Thanks
"You can shave the baby." We'd still rather not, if it's all the same to you. Back hair and calf hair? What planet does this baby come from?
16. Hugo: Man of A Thousand Faces
Forces of Geek
Hugo a demonic-looking cue ball from the furthest reaches of the underworld, but you can make him less unsettling by playing around with his detachable head/facial hair.
17. Titanic Inflatable Slide
Considering all the lives lost that day, this strikes me as more than a little tasteless. Still, I have to admit this does look fun.
18. HPV Plushie
STD's never looked so adorable. HPV is a very common disease that affects most people at some point of their lives. It's usually temporary, but you can always hold on to this lil' guy if you'd like a keepsake.
19. Cyclops/Brain Car
Who thought this was a good idea? Seriously?!
20. Creepy Elf
This elf is the perfect combination of creepy and wise. Part of me wants to ask it for sage advice, while the other part wants to kill it with fire.
21. Playmobil Airport Security
Definitely the most exciting aspect of any air trip is going through security, right? What kid would be a pilot when they could be Dave, who "randomly" selects people and gives overly-friendly patdowns?
22. Kabba Kick
This is basically Russian Roulette for kids, where you point a brightly-colored gun to your head and score points if the hippo feet don't come out to kick you in the side of the head. Yep, simulated suicide and possible head trauma is definitely every parent's idea of a great toy for little Billy.
23. Breastfeeding Baby Doll
The Huffington Post
Because what little girl doesn't dream about breastfeeding? Clearly, it's the most fun and glamorous aspect of having babies.
24. Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow
Facts of Today
Check out the little yellow disclaimer on the side - Milky doesn't even make real milk! Fake milk? Sad.
25. Little Stone Cold
World Wide Interweb
I'm really curious as to who they thought they'd market this toy to.
"We're totally gonna get all the baby lovers AND the wrestling lovers with this one!"
Or, you know, you might alienate both groups and sell nothing...
Facts of Today
Who doesn't want to play with really, really suspiciously brown Play-Doh that you can stick into the helpfully provided poo mold? There's even little corn kernels...
They sure are the worst toys in history, aren't they? Which one was the creepiest to you?
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